


Cold Heart

by stupefied



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: M/M, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2016-07-26
Packaged: 2018-07-26 22:48:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7593271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stupefied/pseuds/stupefied
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"At first, he simply assumed it was an adjustment to a different place, a different culture in France. If he was a bit cold to his boyfriend Ed, he assumed it was simply because they were still getting to know each other. But after more than a year, when Ed said ‘I love you’ and Aaron felt absolutely nothing in return – neither love nor guilt for the absence of it – he knew something fundamental inside him had changed." </p><p>Aaron doesn't have the ability to feel strong emotions, so how does he fall in love with Robert?</p><p>The story starts off with Aaron's return on Aug 2014. Totally AU from that point on, but there will be a re-interpretation of canon scenes along the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cold Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Just an idea I've been mulling over my head. We'll see how this goes. Rating might change.

Everyone thinks Aaron has a fierce temper, that he has anger management issues, just like from before he left the village, and that is fine with him. In reality, Aaron doesn’t feel any type of great anger any more – when he lashes out nowadays it’s because he’s decided it’s the most effective way to get his point across, without having to go through extended discussions and hashing and rehashing of points of view and opinions and feelings. Sometimes the most straightforward way to communicate is through a punch in the face.

He wasn’t always this way, of course – no one is born with a heart of stone. For most of his life, Aaron’s heart was filled with fear, and hate, but at some point Jackson came and he started to feel love. But that didn’t save him from messing it all up. By the time he realized what it was he felt for Jackson, he had already ruined him, setting their lives down a path that led to Jackson wishing for death and him holding a poison-filled glass for his first true love to drink. That was the moment Aaron’s heart started to turn into stone. It didn’t happen all at once. The pain that he felt for his loss of Jackson was unbearably real – so real that he wanted to claw open his chest and tear his heart out – but by the time he left France, two years later, he knew that he was irreversibly altered. 

It actually took him a while to realize the change. At first, he simply assumed it was an adjustment to a different place, a different culture in France. If he was a bit cold to his boyfriend Ed, he assumed it was simply because they were still getting to know each other. There were other clues, though. His temper faded, and reached the point where he no longer needed to remind himself to keep his fist down and not swing, even when some idiot was really doing his best to wind him up. Likewise, he learned to be calm with all the random obstacles that life throws across one’s way. He became more thoughtful in how he responded to people, to situations, and one day Ed commented that he had ‘reached zen’ about pretty much everything. Aaron thought it was simply because he learned to chill out. But after more than a year, when Ed said ‘I love you’ and Aaron felt absolutely nothing in return – neither love nor guilt for the absence of it – he knew something fundamental inside him had changed. 

It’s not as if he couldn’t feel anything at all, and perhaps that’s the reason it escaped his attention for a long time. He could still manage all the minor emotions – he could smile, wish someone well, appreciate a good joke, get irritated at the usual inconveniences of life. But the truly intense feelings – exhilaration and fear and despair and rage and love and hate and jealousy – those are now inaccessible to him.

Yet he did not lose his ability to empathize, or if that’s not quite the right way to describe it, he could still imagine himself in other people’s shoes. He saw the sadness and resentment grow in Ed. Saw it more clearly, in fact, than he would have before, because what he perceived was no longer obscured by his own reaction to it. By being emotionally numb he had become a perfectly objective observer. And so he left before Ed came to hate him, because even if Aaron couldn’t quite manage to love him anymore he also remembered that he did, at one point, care for Ed – maybe even loved him – and so he wished the best for Ed with as much meaning as he could muster, and then left to avoid causing any more hurt.

Aaron wasn’t sure why he decided to go back to the Yorkshire dales. For a while he thought of wandering around Europe – it didn’t really matter where he ended up or what he did anyway. Nevertheless, he could not deny the pull of Emmerdale village. Perhaps it was just to get back to a familiar place. Perhaps it was to be with his family. Perhaps it was because he still held some hope that by going back to the place where he lost them, he can rekindle his emotions. Obviously it couldn’t have been that substantial of a hope, because otherwise he wouldn’t have felt it.

***

The first thing Aaron noticed on coming back home was how little physical contact he’s had with people in France. Sure, the French would give a brief hug and a peck for hellos and goodbyes, but being with friends and family, it was non-stop: a hand in the arm or shoulder in greeting when he passed his Mum, claps on the shoulder or brief punches in the arm from Paddy, horseplays and head locks with his best friend Adam. Things that he has always took for granted, but now more noticeable, more visible to him.

It was one of the side effects of being emotionally numb, he learned after searching online. His brain has to do something with the neural connections that could no longer process emotions, and so has ended up amplifying physical feelings – especially touch. He was now hyperaware of anything that touches his skin. At first, it freaked him out – intellectually, not emotionally – and he wondered if he would reach a point where everything was too much to take, that his brain would collapse with too much stimulus. But much the same way that one can learn to tune out background noise, Aaron learned that he could also calibrate his physical responses. 

It opened up a whole new world. He spent a couple of months learning what he liked, which he could focus on, and what he didn’t like, which he could ignore. Water was the first on his list of likes. He started taking really long showers, and even installed a new shower head with adjustable flow settings – from a gentle mist to forceful bursts – which actually bought him back some goodwill from the residents of the Woolpack, even though they still weren’t too happy about having to beat him to it early in the morning or otherwise risk not having any hot water left. He didn’t change his wardrobe, because he liked both the feel of soft cotton or fleece. He did splurge on silk beddings, which earned a raised eyebrow from his Mum. Anyone paying attention would see him running his palms or fingers on most things – the smooth top of the bar, the rough paper-covered walls of the backroom – anything, really, that was within reach could become a source of physical stimulus that more than made up for his lack of emotions.

What was on top of his list of likes, of course, was obvious.

***

For a while, Aaron actually had designs on his best mate. Adam, on seeing him for the first time after two years, gave him a really tight hug. That was the first time in so long that anyone has touched him that way, and Aaron noted in fascination the effect it had on him. He felt adrenaline surging through his entire body: a mild dizziness in his head, hairs up all over, skin even more hypersensitive with the sudden warmth of surging blood, lungs couldn’t get enough air. Through his clothes, Aaron could feel Adam’s chest heaving against his, the taut muscles of Adam’s back against his arms, the heat of Adam’s head against his. Adam’s body felt tight, like a spring about ready to let loose, as Aaron held it.

That was the moment when Aaron decided that coming home was a good idea.

For at that moment, Aaron knew what he wanted – he wanted to be touched that way, and more, even more. At that moment he wanted tear off their clothes and feel Adam’s body properly against his, skin on skin. The rational part of his brain stopped him from doing anything stupid, but also ticked it as a possibility – a remote possibility, but there nonetheless – one that could happen given the right situation. And perhaps jail would do it. After a couple of days dodging the police, Aaron turned himself in, knowing that Adam would then confess to arson – the crime for which he hightailed to France two years ago. Perhaps he and Adam could share a jail cell. Interesting things could happen if they were together, 24/7. The thought made Aaron’s entire body shiver, starting from the tips of his toes to all the way to his hairline, just under his ears. Not being able to feel guilt or shame, Aaron did not consider what Adam’s wishes might be.

As it turned out, however, nothing happened between them. Adam had to go to jail for eight months, whereas Aaron got a suspended sentence. Aaron met these turn of events with calmness, at most a mild disappointment. He wasn’t particularly bothered, especially when – on a celebratory night of drinking – he noticed the spectacled bloke ogling him at the Woolpack.

***

It was bound to happen that Aaron would hook up with Finn Barton, him being the only other gay bloke in the village, but Finn did not quite measure up. Too awkward, and too eager, and Aaron almost put a stop to it after the initial kiss. But Finn confirmed for him what he already suspected – just how good sex could be for him, now, with his heightened senses. It was incredible, actually, for some moments – touches and kisses and skin sliding over skin amplified, sending pleasure centers in his brain into overdrive. Too bad Finn couldn't quite sustain it. But he let him stay the night, because Finn confirmed for Aaron that even though he couldn’t feel any emotion stronger than mild boredom in his heart anymore, he could physically feel more intensely than ever before – the intimacy of another person touching his body. 

The next day, Aaron let Finn know in no uncertain terms that what they had was a one-off, and later that week he went to Hotten in search of a more suitable partner. He found one, on the third try, a bloke named Harry who seemed to hit all the right spots. Aaron did not want a serious relationship – he did not know if he would ever want one, again – and so it was a good thing that Harry was more than willing to sign up for a casual but exclusive ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement. They met up as often as they could, two or three times a week, sometimes more, and Aaron was more than content.

***

Aaron got back his old job as a mechanic at the garage. He spent lunch and after work hours at the pub. Some evenings he spent in town with Harry. He rebuilt his relations with his Mum, and with his surrogate dad, Paddy, and with his extended Dingle family. He waited for Adam to get out of jail. Filled in for Adam's absence by helping out at Barton farm. If anyone asked, he would say he was happy enough - and he really was.

And that’s how Aaron Livesy was living his life in Emmerdale village, when Robert Sugden showed up.


End file.
